every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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