If that was your dad, he is hot
i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
Randomize
