My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
