I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize