my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Randomize
