Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
Randomize
