The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
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