The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
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