"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
i already hear my dad disowning me
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Randomize
