??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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