I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
Randomize
