She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
