I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
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