Taylor Swift is so right about you.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
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