we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Randomize
