last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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