I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Randomize
