I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
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