I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
Randomize
