i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
