In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Randomize
