i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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