How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
Randomize
