I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
