I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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