There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
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