i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
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