My hand turned me down
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
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