..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
