picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
There's a naked man in my car right now.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
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