Raging hang over. 6AM finish. Shat on a bag of trash in an alley. D L that last bit.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Randomize
