Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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