So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Randomize
