She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Randomize
