Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
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