he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
Be still, my beating vagina.
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Randomize
