When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
