listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
