Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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