Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize