Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
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