this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Randomize
