dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
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