Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
