I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Randomize
