Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
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