Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
