Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Randomize
