apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
