he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
did i walk over a car last night?
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
This whole thing is fucking bullshit. I should be wasting all my hard-earned money at Planet Con this weekend but NOOOOOOOOO. Now I'll never get Roy Thomas to sign my comic
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