apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
