I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
so let's talk penis.
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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