Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
We just shotgunned beers for America
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
