Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize