she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Randomize
