yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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