The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
